


i don't know what hurts the most (holding on or letting go)

by feelikeshitinc



Category: Goons (Podcast)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood and Gore, M/M, Mentions of homophobia, Minor Character Death, Polyamory, Smut, Zombie Apocalypse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:55:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27824110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feelikeshitinc/pseuds/feelikeshitinc
Summary: during the day, when they were out there, they never had time. every minute could be their last, every beat of their hearts could be the last thing they shared and there was nothing they could do about it. but here, at night in their shared room, no one could touch them. no one could take their time away. they were stuck together forever.
Relationships: Dallas | SnipingSoup/Eric | TheDooo, Eric | TheDooo/Eric | McNasty, Implied Dallas | SnipingSoup/Eric | Mcnasty
Comments: 4
Kudos: 11





	i don't know what hurts the most (holding on or letting go)

**Author's Note:**

> on god this was so difficult to finish but i got attached to the story so i pulled through!! hope u enjoy the gays in a zombie apocalypse :)
> 
> (((my inspiration for this world comes entirely from the last of us so if you're familiar with it, picture THAT kind of world but with regular zombies)))

he muffles a groan of pain as he rips the piece of wood that's been stuck in his arm for more than half a day. blood starts trickling down his bicep and he applies as little disinfectant as possible while pressing as hard as he can with the cleanest piece of cloth he could find in his room. he bites down on his lower lip as another sharp wave of pain hits him. 

_motherfucker_ , he thought he got used to the pain but he was wrong. 

his whole body feels heavy and sore, his eyes glassy and unfocused. today's patrol was brutal and they lost a couple men to a small horde they didn't notice until it was too late. those men were good people. he didn't know them personally but the agonising cries of their loved ones when their group got back without them ripped right through him and he almost broke down in front of everyone, exhausted, physically, mentally and sadly emotionally too. all he did was hurrying back to the safety of his small room to tend to his very visible external wounds, ignoring every other part of him that hurt. 

  
  


[...]

  
  


someone knocks on his door and his eyes snap open in a millisecond, his body now trained to react as quickly as possible in every occasion. he chances a glance outside his window and sees it's dark, no sign of the cruelly beautiful colors of the sunset, so he knows they're calling him for dinner. 

he doesn't even remember laying down to rest, didn't even take his shoes off.

he carefully ties his hair in a high ponytail, checks if the bandage on his arm is still fairly clean and gets up, stomach growling just in time. 

he turns off the lantern on his nightstand and heads out but immediately stops in his tracks when he finds someone waiting for him outside, back to the wall opposite his door.

he feels his face tense up and he mentally swears. "what do you want?" 

the smaller man in front of him hesitates, opens his mouth then looks down, looks back up again and his eyes fall on his injured arm. the man’s about to say something but he has no intention of listening so he starts walking away. he doesn’t have the energy to do any of this right now, or _ever_. he just wants to eat and go see if the guys at the staples need a hand with the horses and eventually go back to bed until he’s needed again.

“ _dallas_ , wait-” 

“it’s ‘soup’ to you now.” he cuts the boy off immediately and doesn’t stop walking. when it’s clear that the other has no intention of speaking another word, he straightens his shoulders and tries to walk more confidently.

  
  


[...]

  
  


dinner is nearly not enough but he’ll have to make do. it’s winter and food is always less this time of year. less hunting trips because of the cold mean less food. he’s young and he’s given less and he’s okay with it. there’s people who need it more than him anyway. 

he munches his ration down fast and cleans up after himself in less than half an hour but he doesn’t manage to avoid one old man starting a conversation with him and that makes him waste enough time that he has to pass by eric’s group walking in as he’s leaving. he briefly wishes matt and brandon hadn't been transferred to the smaller camp up north. at least he would feel less miserable in these circumstances. 

he makes it a point to keep looking straight forward until he’s out of sight and hates every single particle of his body getting so tense and defensive everytime this happens.

  
  
  


he’s feeding one of the horses when pain shoots up his arm and he drops the entire bucket with the food in it on the floor. “ _fuck_ ”, he groans, both at the pain and at the mess he just made. the horse neighs softly, lamenting the sudden lack of food under its mouth and dallas swears again, grimacing as he holds his bicep tight to stop the throbbing under his skin. it doesn’t work but he’s got to clean the mess and find some more food for the poor creature so he lets go, groans again and gets to work. this day just keeps getting better and better and the knowledge tomorrow might be even worse doesn't help.

  
  


[...]

  
  


on that gloomy day of middle october they were split into two groups consisting of four people each to survey that particular area in the woods and dallas lead one of them, having grown in a place just like that one, ears and body attuned to the settings and wildlife that could be living there, ready to give a signal at any given moment.

the small horde caught them all by surprise, made no sound because of the bed of wet leaves covering the ground but they managed to react before they got completely wiped out.

dallas usually sniped the monsters from high places but this route didn't allow that and before he even fully knew what was happening, his hand had extracted the machete from his belt and sliced right into a zombie's skull. 

his breath had got stuck in his throat but he didn't even spare a moment's attention to it. there were more important things to be worrying about. he had to kill. _kill. kill to survive. they're not people anymore. kill them all. kill until you exhale your own last breath_. 

he heard the scream just in time to see one of the creatures sink their ugly rotten teeth into a man's jugular and before his body could sprint to help, another soul shattering sound came from another man, a few feet away from him, having his eyes sunken into his face as the abomination gripped at his face with superhuman strength. 

rage flared inside him so fast he swore he could feel himself burning up from the inside out as he took out his sniper rifle to blow both monsters' heads off in a matter of a few seconds. 

it was only when his voice left him that he realised he had been screaming the whole time. 

  
  


it happened as he was trying to breathe properly again, adrenaline and fear pumping through his veins as he saw his last teammate kill the man who had been bitten to spare him. his side vision caught a glimpse of eric in the close distance and his neck snapped towards that direction so fast, he almost lost balance. the boy was struggling with his gun, a zombie getting too close for comfort and dallas' body screamed at him to move. the wet ground almost made him slip and before he could take a step, another guy from eric's group, the tall one - _mcnasty_ \- who dallas has seen eric with a lot recently, appeared behind the creature and sliced its head clean off in one fluid motion. all dallas could focus on was eric's surprised and relieved expression as the boy’s knees gave out and he fell on the ground. 

dallas could faintly hear, through the blood pumping loudly in his ears, the big guy repeatedly ask eric if he was okay, if he was bitten. what caught his eye the most, though, was the way the man was touching eric, hands roaming his body in such a careful way that dallas found sickeningly familiar. 

his stomach almost revolted when eric pulled the guy in for a searing hot kiss as an answer. dallas felt his brain rattle in his skull at the sight and he looked away fast but not fast enough to catch the zombie right in front of him whose flailing arms pushed him on the ground, causing a big wooden stick to pierce right through the skin and muscle of his arm. thankfully the only woman of his group, the only one left alive of his squad, came in running and blew the monster's head off before it could climb on dallas and bite him. 

  
  


they had to clear the rest of the route after that but spared an hour to bury the two men they lost. dallas tried not to let it all get to him so he avoided looking in eric's direction at all times, focusing on the guilt simmering in his gut and the sharp pain in his arm. that he could do, that he could ironically deal with. his own gnarly feelings, he could only helplessly run away from.

  
  


[...]

  
  


he had hesitated at first, wanting it as much as eric, but scared it wouldn’t work. scared his body wasn’t made for it, scared he wasn’t going to be good enough.

“ _shh_ ” eric had shushed him softly, successfully stopping his rambling before it devolved into panic “you’re good, dallas. you’re going to be just fine. let me take care of you.”

“are you sure?” and he hadn’t meant his voice to shake the way it did. he didn’t know why he was so affected by this but he couldn’t control it.

“i am but we can do it like always if you’re not ready. there’s no rush.” 

eric’s smile right then had hurt, a type of pain dallas had never experienced before. it felt like someone was holding his heart in a vice grip but a very careful one. it was overwhelming, to realise what that meant.

“i want to.” he had said and eric had kissed him deeply and slowly, easing dallas’ mind of every doubt. 

during the day, when they were out there, they never had time. every minute could be their last, every beat of their hearts could be the last thing they shared and there was nothing they could do about it. but here, at night in their shared room, no one could touch them. no one could take their time away. they were stuck together forever.

eric grunted on top of him, swearing under his breath. “dallas, you’re _so_ -” he had cut himself off, pushing a little bit more inside him and dallas had whined, a sound he would've been ashamed of in the past, but he let it happen, uncaring. 

eric felt so big, so warm, to the point of making dallas tear up. this was his place. dallas knew he wouldn't have traded this for anything else in the world. 

as eric had bottomed out, their eyes met and dallas couldn't keep it in anymore. "i love you." he whispered, nuzzling his face against eric's hand on his cheek. he had felt that same hand twitch at those words and before he could worry he had taken it too far, his lips were sealed by eric's with a soft kiss. "can't believe you said it first." he said, giggling in disbelief. "i love you too." 

it had felt right and dallas wondered why he was afraid to begin with. he trusted eric with his life and this was no different. giving himself so completely to somebody else never felt so liberating. 

"pull my hair" he had gasped all of a sudden and surprise was clear in eric's eyes but he had obliged and things had gotten way messier after that. filthy words were uttered in between mingled breaths, obscene noises had filled the room and they couldn't care about keeping it all down. 

dallas had come harder than he ever did before and eric's weight on top of him helped him stay grounded, his insides otherwise floaty and light. 

"i love you."

"we said that already."

"i know. say it one more time."

they could die the next day and it would all be over so dallas thought, _what the hell_ , he'll say it a million times more.

"i love you, eric." 

  
  
  


[...]

  
  
  


the new addition to their camp had created some turmoil around the older members. trust was the most difficult thing to give and obtain in an apocalypse, in times where each counts for their own and, in their case, for their own people. 

a few groups had passed through their establishment before but no one had stopped for more than a few hours of rest. most people are afraid to stay in one place for a long time. gives their position away, makes them an easy target, gives them a semblance of normalcy that if snatched away, could destroy the hearts of all to the point of no repair. a stable home can also create bonds, uniting people with minds that can work together to improve the lifestyle of everyone. 

their camp has electricity (most days but not always) and organized groups who each have their role. a working, self-sufficient community, a dream for most people in this world.

  
  


the small group of six stragglers that came at their doors asking for refuge on a rainy summer day created a bit of an uproar. they were confined for some time and questioned about their intentions and provenance and they had seemed just genuinely lost and tired people who had no place to go.

the elder people, used to distrust, had disagreed about letting them in and the atmosphere had been tense for a while. 

dallas remembers not giving a shit. he had no intention of connecting with any of them unless they ended up going patrolling together. he didn't need anybody having his back so he couldn't care less if they betrayed him and left his ass to die. he would either fight his way out of it or just… die. he had accepted that that was the way he would go out. no chance of dying any other way in a world like this. 

the six strangers were all young except for a middle aged man who seemed to lead them, an air of discipline and authority around him that made dallas understand a couple things without having to speak with him. he had met people like him before, people who had lived a life before the world went to shit and he had always hated them all with no exception. 

one guy stood out to him, more than just because he was taller than anyone he had ever met, and he went by the name "mcnasty". he seemed to hate their leader guy the same way dallas had hated that kind of person before and it only took a couple days to understand why. 

the old man had called mcnasty a not-so-fun word in front of a lot of people and the younger man had looked miserable and dallas had decided, right then and there, he was going to take care of dinner that night and casually slipped some pills in the guy's meal. just because. just because it irked him, to have to add another asshole to the pile of survivors he hated. hatred was a waste of time and energy but something he could never really get rid of. and because the words that were used against mcnasty were once directed at him too and he knew how those felt on his own skin. it hurt and no one should have to deal with that shit on top of being in a fucking zombie apocalypse. 

the old fart ended up feeling sick that night and dallas had taken it as a victory, smirking his way through the guy's violent attack of coughs. 

his eyes had scanned the room to check if that mcnasty guy was there to enjoy the show and he didn't expect to find him already looking his way, eyes questioning dallas' satisfied expression. he had felt exposed and immediately self-conscious but had managed to shrug at the guy, who cracked a smile before hiding it behind his palm. 

that was all there was to their relationship up until mcnasty saved eric and kissed him on patrol right in front of him. but then again, he would immediately argue with himself, that wasn't really an addition to what he and mcnasty shared because at that point he and eric had nothing that connected them anymore. what eric did was none of his business. they were done. 

sadly that still didn't stop the image of them kissing to be imprinted in dallas' mind and he had to spare another little bit of space in his heart for some more hatred, towards himself this time, for caring about something he had decided not to care about anymore.

  
  
  


[...]

  
  
  


he had wanted to run off on his own as quickly as possible to go find eric but they restrained him, his anger getting out of control to the point of scaring some of the people who witnessed his breakdown. the hunters of the camp could not risk him going out alone and get killed as he was a much too valuable asset. dallas thought they could all go fuck themselves. eric was out there and he needed help. he had to go.

what stopped him from freaking out too much were matt and brandon, his best friends, who had told him that someone had relayed a message that eric’s group was on their way back and there was no point in him going out there to meet them. 

  
  


he was helping the children during study hours when he got the news: eric’s group didn’t show up at the meet up point to exchange turns with the next patrol and dallas’ brain had shut down for a second, his chest suddenly empty and all the noises around him muffled. he had jumped out of his chair before he could realise, grabbing the person who gave him the news and shaking them, shouting for answers and that’s when he was taken away.

those couple of hours of wait had been the longest of his entire life and his heart had almost exploded out of his chest when he finally caught sight of eric, banged up and barely able to walk on his own. 

_never again_ , he had thought. _i can’t do this again_.

  
  
  


it had taken him a week or so to ultimately crack and let it all out.

  
  


"i can't. i can't take this anymore, eric." his hands shaking, he had tried to steady his voice without success, his body tired, his mind all over the place, his heart _so_ heavy. "everytime you go out there without me, i'm scared you're not going to come back. everytime i see you walk out, it could be the last time i ever lay eyes on you and i can't take it. i can't live like this. i'm at my limit."

eric, arms crossed and looking even smaller than usual, had taken a step back then, getting closer and closer to the door by the second. "what does that mean?"

dallas sent him a bitter look, frustrated that the other was making him spell it out. "you know exactly what, eric."

"no, i don't, _dallas_." 

"it means that we need to end this. we need to cut ties. i can't--"

"you can't or you don't want to?" 

his shaking had stopped then and his mind steeled itself in a second. "both." 

"and you think this is going to fix it? you think that the second you break up with me, you're automatically going to stop worrying? that's not how this works and you know it." eric's voice had risen up, a strain in it that betrayed his emotions. emotions dallas pretended he wasn't hearing nor feeling.

"not right away, no. but maybe at some point… it'll get easier." 

it was only when he had heard eric scoff, incredulous, that dallas noticed his eyes had fallen to the ground, not able to hold eric's gaze. 

"you know… you're right." 

dallas snapped his head right back up, eyes wide in shock.

_no, please._

"let's end it." 

_don't leave me._

"okay." 

_i love you._

"hope it gets easier for you." 

_i hate myself._

  
  
  


[...]

  
  
  


“you have got to be fucking shitting me right now.” he says for probably the fourth time in the last five minutes and he’ll say it again, as many times as he can before those two show up.

he’s in the old man’s room, the oldest and most experienced hunter who organises most expeditions and patrols outside and he’s one second away from ripping all his hair out.

“i told you. we need a three men team and you youngsters fit the bill perfectly. we can’t send anybody else.”

dallas scoffs, throwing his hands in the air. “of course not! you sent everyone to rot up north.”

“you refused the offer months ago. don’t come at me for that now.” and he did, didn’t he? he was offered to go with matt and brandon but refused because… because eric didn’t make the cut to go there and he didn’t want to leave his boyfriend. if only he knew what would happen just a few days after that. fuck his life, honestly.

someone knocks on the door and dallas knows exactly who it is, his back straightening as he mentally prepares himself.

“come in.” and sure enough, here they come, eric and… eric. code names: dooo and mcnasty. names in dallas’ head: the new boyfriends of camp he absolutely doesn’t want to go outside with.

his eyes betray him and he chances a sideway glance when he feels eric stand next to him. the boy is looking straight forward, though. dallas catches mcnasty looking at him from above eric’s head and he immediately looks away.

“i’ll be brief. we need someone as precise as soup, someone as fast as dooo and someone as strong as mcnasty for this. this path we found could be a potential new route, connecting places we didn’t think could be crossed so we need a complete squad with the smallest number we can manage. you know the area well enough by now to be able to do this fairly smoothly. don’t be stupid about it. if you run into anything too dangerous, come back. we need you youngsters alive. jesse at the gate will give you all the details before you depart tomorrow morning. any questions?”

eric fixes his stance then and he accidentally lightly bumps shoulders with dallas and their eyes meet. eric clears his throat and redirects his eyes to the old man and dallas can see how tense he is and that proves he feels the same way as him about this whole thing. the only difference is-

“no, sir. we’ll get this done.”

-he’s too nice to ever complain about anything that bothers him.

“mcnasty?”

“i’m on board.”

“great. we’re counting on you guys.”

 _fuck you too_ , dallas thinks and really wants to say out loud but doesn’t.

he turns around and starts to leave without another word, without sparing the other two a single glance. he makes it halfway through the corridor when eric's voice stops him in his tracks. 

"soup" and despite everything, dallas turns around. "can you handle our loadout, please? you're the expert." there's something strange in eric's tone and in his eyes and dallas can't quite place it. it's also strange to be alone on one side of the corridor, finally facing the other two, standing next to each other. _together_. his heart sinks low as a thought crosses his mind. 

_they look good together_.

"sure." he replies, shrugging, and one corner of his mouth goes up right after, a smile not quite there but an attempt nonetheless. 

he leaves but his eyes still manage to catch what he thinks is a pained expression on eric's features. eric. always so considerate of other people's feelings. eric, who still worries like they never fell apart. dallas wishes he didn't know but he does and he has to live with it. 

_let's get this over with,_ he thinks, resigned and tired but with a budding feeling in his gut. not a bad one for once. is this it maybe? is it gonna get easier from now on? eric has found someone else and maybe dallas can finally be at peace. 

  
  
  


[...]

  
  
  


dallas slept very heavily last night and he woke up feeling strangely well rested. he feels like he has dreamed about something he shouldn't have but the memory escaped him as fast as it came to mind as he was getting dressed so he didn't pay much mind to the residue sensation the dream left him with. 

his watch hits 5.30am when he heads out to the armory to get what he prepared before going to bed and only finds mcnasty when he walks to the gate. the man is looking up over the huge gate of the camp and the cold makes his breaths visible. dallas is stuck looking at him for a second before he remembers himself and starts walking there.

"here." he says simply, without greeting, and mcnasty jumps a little.

the man accepts the shotgun being handed to him with a nod, slings it over his shoulder and goes back to looking at the sky.

dallas doesn't have time to be conscious of the awkward silence that could follow because jesse appears with their horses in tow. just a few seconds later, eric comes running their way, breath laboured. 

"sorry, i'm late." he says in their general direction, already jumping on his horse. 

dallas and mcnasty do the same and dallas hands eric his weapon, a hunting rifle, and the boy sends a shy smile at him. "thanks." 

dallas just nods as jesse starts explaining what they'll have to do on their way there and after. it shouldn’t take more than a day but they're given a two day maximum in case they run into trouble. 

"remember: if you deem it too dangerous, come back. we'll send another and larger squad another time. but if you can push through, please do. we need this new route." 

  
  
  


[...]

  
  
  


they're halfway through the path when dallas decides to take out his sniper. they're pretty high up so he figures scoping the area can't hurt. 

"you two go ahead, i'll be a few minutes." he says and both eric and mcnasty stop their horses and look back at him. 

"what? no. we should stick tog-" eric cuts himself off, dallas assumes when he sees his sniper. " _da_ \-- soup. we can wait."

"no need. i know this road. you can go." he says, not really paying attention to them anymore, eye focused on the scope, following the line of the close horizon and down the hills. 

"are you sure you're gonna be okay?" 

dallas' hands twitch at that because it was mcnasty asking. he refocuses, controlling his breathing and closing one eye. "i'll be just fine. it'll only take a couple minutes. even less if i don't find any zombies." and as he says that, he catches sight of one and shoots without a second thought, hitting it right in the head. " _ah_. there we go." he lifts his eyes and they're both staring at him in awe.

"just go, christ." 

they do go but not without looking back at him at least twice. 

he snipes two other zombies in the same area of the first one but upon looking around, he finds no more threats so he puts the rifle over his back and rides away to catch up with the others.

  
  


he finds them right where the usual route diverges into deeper woods and he pretends he doesn't see eric let out a sigh of relief upon seeing him. 

"all clear?" he asks.

"all clear. what about you?"

"just a small group down the hills. we shouldn't meet anymore going down. i don't know about the other side of the hill, though. we'll have to see when we get there. we also might have to stop somewhere, the weather ain't looking so hot. the old man said there could be a cabin somewhere so..."

eric and mcnasty both raise their heads to the sky to look at the thick clouds headed their way. a storm could be a huge problem, would slow them down, tire them and most importantly hide potential threats but they'll have to deal with it.

dallas finds himself zoning out, his mind providing him with him with the image of the other two kissing, of them standing opposite him in the corridor and he tightens his hold on the reins too much, making his horse stop.

"shit." he swears under his breath and eric turns around. 

"are you alright?" 

dallas feels their eyes on him and his chest tightens. "i'm fine. my arm hurts a little." he lies and they keep going until - sure enough - they find a small, half collapsed cabin, hidden among a circle of tall trees. 

"should we stop?" 

dallas looks at his watch and sees they have time to rest for a bit so he figures that won't hurt. "sure. but only for an hour or so. don't want it to get too dark before we make it there." 

  
  


they survey the area to be sure they won't get surprised by an horde or stray zombies and they find nothing so they go back to the cabin and check if the more secure-looking part of it is actually safe to stay in or not. 

they opt to rest in the most external room of the building so it's easier to get out in case the cabin decides to collapse on their heads but that also means that it's not any warmer than outside.

"i'll go get some wood and we can try to start a fire. fireplace looks usable." mcnasty points out and it's not a bad idea and as the guy is walking past them to go out, eric reaches out and grabs his hand. "i'll come with you." his tone is so soft that dallas finds himself looking away, hoping the destroyed couch he's sitting on will swallow him whole. 

"nah, there's no need. I'll just be in the back. won't get far, don't worry." 

it's just him and eric now and dallas doesn't really know what to say or do with himself. when they're out, he can manage. he gives directions and listens to their suggestions and it's easy that way, it's business almost. he can put on a fake face and do what he has to do to get things done as quickly and efficiently as possible. doesn't give himself time to think too much. 

but right here and now, the soft howling of the wind creeping through the cracks of the windows as the only sound filling the air, he’s lost. he doesn’t really need to say anything, nobody is forcing him to, but he can feel eric fidgeting on the other side of the couch and the knowledge that the guy is probably thinking the same things as him makes him tense.

“so. how’s your arm?” eric tries, hesitant and very quiet.

dallas briefly closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “doesn’t hurt much anymore. i barely feel it.” 

“i see. i’m glad.” 

dallas has the sudden urge to do something with his hands so he takes the hairband from his wrist and starts gathering his wild locks in a low ponytail. he had promised himself not to let them grow too long but he’s somehow grown attached to them.

“hey, dallas...”

the blonde is so lost in his own head, he doesn’t even have the mind to correct eric, to tell him to use his codename. he turns around on instinct and what he finds and hears shock him in place.

“what happened to us?”

eric's smile is tight around the edges and it seems like he's shaking a little and dallas can't tell if it's from the cold or the nerves. still, the boy's gaze doesn't waver, eyes ever so expressive and deep and dallas is at a loss.

"i don't…" he trails off. he suddenly wants mcnasty to get back so he has an excuse to end this very sudden and awkward conversation. 

"you know… you would like _eric_."

dallas blinks and waits, still not sure about what to do. he kind of wants to stand up and leave but also not really. he just wasn't expecting any of this.

"when he first came by, i couldn't quite place him. i saw him goof around with the rest of his group like he didn't have a care in the world. hadn't seen that kind of freedom in an adult in a while and it confused me a lot, made me wonder how anyone could be like that in a world like ours. but then i caught him by himself and the image i had completely changed. he was out in the rain and singing to himself, not loud but loud enough for me to hear him sob in between words. i thought i was intruding so i decided to leave but of course, i almost fell and yelped and he noticed me and i apologised and ran away as fast as i could."

_why are you telling me this?_

dallas can't move, can't speak, can only listen, roped to eric's voice, actually and secretly curious about the guy who stole the heart of the person dallas-- 

"the next day he found me and i thought he was gonna ask me to forget what i saw or something along those lines but you know what he did? he started singing to me! that same song he sang in the rain and he started dancing like an idiot and asked me if i knew the words. before i knew it, i was laughing my ass off at him and that made me realise i hadn't laughed in so long. i hadn't laughed like that since you and i were together. i hadn't seen that much freedom in a person since i first saw with brandon and matt."

dallas' heart stops and restarts, stuttering a little and he feels like someone's got a hand in his chest, gripping it tight. 

for a hot second, he had thought he could breathe again when he saw eric and mcnasty standing next to each other facing him the night before. it looked almost like a physical representation of where they stood with one another and dallas had finally taken a good look at reality. 

people move on, they find others to share their own little world with and he was okay with it, he found in himself that he could accept it.

but now, hearing all this from eric himself, he feels nothing but confusion, something knotting in his stomach when he thinks about everything he's been running away from for a while.

"what i'm trying to say is, he's so much lik-"

the end of his words gets drowned out by the very loud slam of the back door and they're both on their feet and reaching for their gear in a second.

mcnasty comes running in, breathing heavily. "we gotta go. _now_."

"what the hell? what happened?"

"they're coming in fast. too many of them for us to fight. we gotta book it." 

" _fuck_. okay. let's get the horses." 

they run outside and the horses are agitated and that's how dallas knows how bad it is. horses don't get scared when small hordes move but they do when big ones are close. big enough to disturb the ground, to create vibrations and noises only animals can really feel.

"where are we gonna go?" eric's voice is quiet but panicked and a quick look at him confirms he looks scared.

this isn't good.

"follow me. i might know a way out of here."

he grew up in a place just like this, hunting and surviving in the deep woods and years of going from place to place taught him that there's a pattern to mountain trails. he knows what he's doing. he's going to get them out of there. he has to. they count on him. they have a mission to accomplish. they can't die today. he won't let them. he refuses. 

  
  


they deviate from the trail that brought them to the cabin, down the side of the hill, opposite what dallas knows is the direction of the river. zombies are attracted to sound so they're most likely going to move down towards the waters and if they go far enough into the woods on the other side, they should be able to avoid them completely.

"keep your weapons loaded and ready just in case. stay sharp." he says, sending a quick glance at them and they're both looking at him in a strange way. it could be fear, it could be reliance. he doesn't know and doesn't have time to discern that.

they're a mile away from the cabin when the horses start slowing down and resisting their holds. 

"whoa, what's going on?" eric says and they all stop at the same time.

the horses neigh and they're clearly scared and dallas doesn't understand. they should be safe for now. they should’ve gotten far enough.

he’s about to take his sniper rifle out to scope the area when he sees - as if the world has slowed down all of a sudden - eric’s expression morph into one of pure terror as his mouth opens to scream. for some reason the sound doesn’t reach dallas and before he can understand why, _something_ pushes him off his horse and he’s falling on his injured arm, pain shooting through his entire body.

sound doesn’t come back at all for a few seconds but when it does and dallas is finally able to move again, to get up, it’s all too much. the air is filled with screams, human ones, animal ones and zombie ones. the horses stomp around and scatter, the zombies surrounding dallas and he's paralysed. one of those monsters is on top of him and he just stares at its horribly mangled face, jaw unhinged and eyes bloodshot, the smell coming out of its body putrid and that's when it hits him, when he feels the monster's cold hands grab at his arms and clothes, that this is how many before him have died.

_let them be safe. at least they have each other. they can--_

an inhumanly loud scream drowns everything in the close vicinity and a shadow falls onto him and the zombie and before he can blink, just as he’s snapping out of the trance he fell into, blood is raining on him, the mangled face that was just trying to eat him exploding in many disgusting little pieces. the body of it falls on him completely and the feeling of blood soaking through his clothes is what brings him back completely. 

“ _fuck-_ what the fuck!” and that’s when he notices mcnasty is shielding him from the incoming zombies. he also hears eric somewhere close, calling their names and only then he notices they're both dismounted their horses. 

they should be running away. they should've just left him behind. why?

why stay?

“what the fuck are you doing?” he looks to the side and finds his rifle, scrambling to get up.

mcnasty looks back at him after shooting through another zombie’s skull, already reloading for the next one. “shut the hell up, dumbass! fight!”

he wants to say so many things, wants to ask just as many but his focus is coming back, his survival instinct kicking in - even if a little late - so he pushes everything in the back of his mind. he’s gotta survive so he can ask all he has to ask and he’s gotta protect them so they can answer.

mcnasty has his front covered so dallas turns around to see how they're doing with their surroundings. eric managed to get back on his horse, that only one that hasn't run away in fear. that's gonna be a huge problem but they have more pressing matters on their hands now.

eric reloads his hunting rifle and shoots straight ahead so dallas covers the only side left. 

his sniper isn't the most suited weapon for messy close quarter combat but he's good enough with it to make it work. 

they form a circle and rotate to shoot at the monsters and dallas feels his arm getting numb but he keeps going and after what could be ten hours or ten seconds, the air suddenly goes still and quiet and no more zombies appear from any direction.

"that's weird. we can't be done already." eric says, reloading and trying to hold his horse still at the same time.

"no, it's not." mcnasty starts and both dallas and eric look at him putting down his shotgun and taking a deep breath, shoulders finally relaxing. dallas doesn't understand. he doesn't get what just happened. none of it. "this wasn't the horde i saw earlier. we would've been overpowered in a second if that was the case. i think we got far enough aw-" 

dallas can't take it anymore and grabs mcnasty's front, thick jacket bunching up in his bloody hands. he sees mcnasty's expression change to one of surprise and he hears eric inhale sharply a few feet away. 

the force of the movement makes the bigger man stumble and they're falling before they can help it. dallas ends up almost straddling the man and he's furious.

"what-"

"what the fuck did you think you were doing, asshole?" dallas yells, uncaring about the noise he could be making, so so confused and tired and scared and high on adrenaline that he might pass out any minute. "jumping down your horse like that! protecting _me_? you're out of your fucking mind! you should've just taken eric and left. that was too fucking close. you could've died! why would you even-" his voice cracks and as he takes a deep choked off breath he looks up at mcnasty and what he sees makes him hate everything. 

a hand comes to rest on one of dallas' and it gently pulls his away and the younger is shocked by how warm mcnasty is. "because you're important." his voice is so calm and understanding. "eric loves you. i couldn't leave you behind like that. that thought didn't even cross my mind." 

dallas immediately lets go of the other, as if stung or burned, getting up in a hurry and his wide eyes search for eric and he finds as much surprise on his face as dallas feels shock. the older boy is quick to recover though and he smiles, sad and resigned and dallas’ world falls apart. 

no. this is all wrong. eric moved on... he found someone else. mcnasty clearly cares about him and it’s mutual. they love each other. dallas doesn’t fit in the picture. he decided to pretend he wasn’t in love with eric anymore in the desperate hope those feelings would go away someday. they never did. he had long since realised there was nothing he or eric could ever do to destroy what he felt but he had pushed that knowledge aside, hardened his edges and built many walls to protect himself, to hide from eric because he knew that a word from the other, a word spoken with the same voice eric used to tell dallas he loved him in the secrecy of their bedroom, would’ve made everything crumble. and now… 

“...eric?” he asks hesitantly, begging. his head hurts and his limbs feel very heavy.

eric blinks slowly and smiles even wider, though it doesn’t reach his eyes this time either. “i’m sorry. i don't-”

dallas moves towards him despite his body screaming at him to stop. “what about- what about him?” he points at mcnasty, who got up and is now watching it all unfold. “are you kidding me? didn’t you just go on about how much you like him at the cabin? what are you- are you out of your mind?” his voice cracks and he feels ill. he really doesn’t understand. he thought he was going to be left behind… so what is all this?

“i do love him.” eric says and he looks embarrassed to admit it, throwing a quick glance above dallas’ shoulder, directed at mcnasty. “but i love you too. and that will never change. i'm sorry.”

“but you…” dallas turns around, lost, and he finds mcnasty just looking at him. “and you’re okay with that? you don’t care that he loves someone else?” 

mcnasty looks at him for a moment before answering and he seems to be searching for something on dallas' face. “not when that someone is you.” it comes out so sincere and easy that dallas suddenly sees red. 

why? why does it look so easy for them? 

“you don’t even know me!” he throws his arms in the air and pain shoots through the injured one. 

“maybe not directly but eric has told me a lot about you, about how much like you i am. he’s apologised time and again for feeling the way he does even when i told him he didn’t have to. how he fell for me like he fell for you.”

dallas hears eric get closer behind him and when warm fingers trace his inner wrist with care before taking hold of his hand, he flinches but doesn't pull away. “can you even love two people at the same time?” he asks quietly, can’t bring himself to look at either of them.

he can't see it but somehow hears the smile in eric's voice. "i know i can." 

dallas closes his eyes to collect himself, eric's cold hand grounding him, bringing back so many memories and feelings that instead of being confusing, now seem so clear and his mind is freed of every doubt.

he was a fool, an idiot, to think that he could move past what they had and with shocking delay, he realises he's never even stopped calling eric by his real name in his head despite asking the other to call him 'soup' since they broke up. he was just fooling himself and trying to fool eric and look where that's gotten him--

"we need to get out of here." he lifts his eyes with urgency and he meets mcnasty's first. "we need to get to safety… the horde-"

"we're fine here. we have definitely gotten far enough away." mcnasty reassures him and dallas cannot believe how much kindness resides in the man in front of him. "you made the right call. you brought us to the safest place there could be.”

“we almost fucking died, mcnasty!” he replies, disbelieving. 

“there’s three of us, the perfect team.” eric says, stroking dallas’ knuckles with his thumb. “we can survive anything.”

dallas kind of wants to scream but also wants to go back home but he’s not going to do either of those things. “we need to find our horses. we can’t go back nor complete this fuckass mission without them.” he says, tired but slightly more at peace. there’s still things left unsaid but they need to get out of there as quickly as possible. they can’t allow themselves the luxury of relaxation.

  
  
  


they let eric stay on his horse not to spook it too much and mcnasty and dallas stay a few feet behind him, guns ready in case they run into more trouble.

“i feel like you have questions for me.” mcnasty whispers and dallas almost jumps out of his skin.

“i…” he bites his bottom lip. this isn’t the time but he doesn’t know when the right time is so he might as well just say whatever he has to say. “how are you okay with this? don’t you love eric?”

“yeah… but it’s the end of the world.”

dallas frowns at that and his attention veers away from his scope, directly to mcnasty who’s still very much concentrated on his surroundings. “what does that have to do with anything?”

the cold wind blows through mcnasty's wild hair and dallas is once again stuck staring at him, waiting for any word the man might utter. 

“i’ve lost… everything. and everyone i’ve ever loved. i think most people have in this world and i never thought i would love again, ya know? kinda gave up on that. the old man kept giving me shit as well so i pushed that whole thing aside, thinking that maybe it was for the best, to just never love again so that i didn’t have to hurt anymore.”

 _ah_. dallas knows. he thought the same and with a little bit of bitterness he can admit that eric was right when he said he and mcnasty are very similar. 

“and then i came to the camp and met eric and i was reminded once again of what love felt like. he told me immediately though, that he had you in his heart and apologised over and over again because he knew most people can’t love like he can.” mcnasty giggles, probably at the memory of eric profusely apologising and dallas can clearly see that happen, because he’s seen that many times too. the boy’s eyes would get really wide and he would pout and clench his fists and his eyebrows would twitch with agitation, his voice either high-pitched or very very quiet depending on how serious the matter was. 

“and funny enough, i didn’t care at all. the new person that i liked already loved someone else and was willing to let me into their hearts anyways? i didn’t even think twice about it. i might be crazy but that’s how it is.” mcnasty smiles and finally looks up at dallas and for some strange reason, dallas finds himself blushing. 

_what the hell_.

“then he told me about you, described you and i immediately knew you were the one who almost killed the bigoted old man and that sealed it for me. didn’t want to interfere with the problems you two had so i never tried to talk to you in fear i might make things worse. and all in all, i don’t…” mcnasty stops and dallas stops walking, waiting for an answer. 

mcnasty looks back and stops too and eric doesn’t notice them. that’s not a problem, they’ll be on their way immediately. 

dallas sees a bit of hesitation on mcnasty’s face and he wonders what got him like that all of a sudden when everything else until now didn’t seem to affect him that much. 

“i don’t…” he takes a deep breath and sighs right after. “i don’t mind you at all, soup. i actually-”

“dallas.”

mcnasty double-takes, surprised. “huh?”

“you can call me ‘dallas’.” 

“oh… okay. you can call me ‘eric’ then.”

dallas frowns, starting to walk backwards. “nah, too confusing. that’s one eric too many.” and dallas can’t help but laugh at mcnasty’s defeated expression at his response.

“what the hell are you two doing?” eric calls from a bit far away, making dallas jump. “move your asses, i found the horses!”

“don’t-”

“-shout, dumbass!” they both whisper and flail their arms at eric, who sticks his tongue out at them but immediately sends a big sincere smile at them, like he understands, like he knows exactly what they were talking about.

  
  


as they’re going back, the trail connecting their old route with a new one secured of any threats for now, dallas suddenly remembers what he dreamed about the night before and he almost falls off his horse.

“whoa, are you okay?”

“ _holy shit._ ” he swears, cannot believe his brain would do that to him. 

“what?”

“i- i think i might be crazy too.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


[ **a few months later** ]

  
  
  
  


“stop laughing at me, assholes!”

eric and eric are rolled over on his bed, wheezing and crying at what he just confessed to them. 

“god, i should’ve never said. i hate you both.”

“aw, baby, you’re so cute.”

“i will beat your asses.”

“i can’t believe you had a wet dream about-”

dallas doesn’t let eric finish, throwing a pillow right in his face. “i’m leaving.”

but he’s not. not when they grab his wrists and pull him down with them to cuddle him to death. he pretends he hates it for a solid four seconds before giving up because they have time, yes, but he’d rather spend it all in their arms than be stubborn.

“if you call me ‘cute’ one more time…”

“what are you gonna do?”

“i will only suck eric’s cock from now on.”

“oh shit! eric, quick. call him cute again!”

“no, what the fuck?" 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading :))))


End file.
